


PS 

^^\b:^ the disadvantages of 

BEING GOOD 

AND OTHER LAPSES 

By J. EDGAR PARK 




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Book Ji^mJlB 

COPYRIGHT DEPOSm 



THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD 
AND OTHER LAPSES 



THE DISADVANTAGES 
OF BEING GOOD 

AND OTHER LAPSES 



BY 
Jf EDGAR PARK 



Done at the Print Shop of Ernest F. Dow 

West Newton. Mass. 

1915 



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b 



COPYRIGHT 1915 

by 
J. EDGAR PARK 



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0^ 



DEC 17 1915 



DEDICATED TO 

THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO COULD STAND IT-^ 

THE PEOPLE OF WEST NEWTON 



BY THE SAME AUTHOR 

THE KEEN JOY OF LIVING 

THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT 

THE WONDER OF HIS GRACIOUS WORDS 

THE MAN WHO MISSED CHRISTMAS 

PARABLES OF LIFE 

THE REJUVENATION OF FATHER CHRISTMAS 

THE DWARF'S SPELL 

HOW I SPENT MY MILLION 

THE CHILDREN'S BREAD 

The Pilgrim Press, 14 Beacon St., Boston 

also 
THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD 

Ernest F. Dow, Publisher, West Newton, Mass. 
50 Cents Post Free 



TO THE READER 

All these papers have been published before 
and most of them have been reprinted many times 
in various periodicals. They are gathered together 
now for the first time and the entire proceeds of 
this edition go to the good work of the West New- 
ton Day Nursery. 

The third essay was reprinted in an English 
paper and another English paper awarded the first 
prize to one sentence of it as the best example 
that week of a "howler." Can the reader guess 
which was the sentence and decide if the English- 
men were right? 

One of the rhymes was first printed anony- 
mously on the West Newton Church Calendar. 
A few months after, the writer received a paper 
containing it from California, from a friend who 
not knowing he was the author thought the lines 
would please him, then a new hymn-book with the 
verse as foreword, and a year after a travelling 
salesman called to try and sell him copies of the 
verse printed on cards for distribution; such is 
anonymity! 

If you find anything you do not like or cannot 
understand in the following pages, it is probably 
meant to be a joke for the author being Scotch 
jokes "with deefeculty." 

J. E. P. 
West Newton. 

Christmastide. 1915. 



CONTENTS 

Page 

THE DISADVANTAGES_0£ BEING GOOD . . 1 
HOW TO CONTROL YOUR FUTURE ... 7 
THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE . . . .13 
THE REVISION OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS 22 

WHY MINISTERS PLAY GOLF 28 

SOME INEXPENSIVE HOUSEHOLD LUXURIES 35 
UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS ... 42 

THE HAPPINESS OF BEING GROWN UP . .51 
THE WORLD, THE FLESH AND THE DEVIL . 56 

TWO KINDS OF CHRISTMAS 64 

OUR HEREDITARY SCARE 71 

LAPSES FROM THE PROSAIC 75 



y^ 



The Disadvantages 
of Being Good 



The twin babies are what are technically 
known as "both kinds" ; that is to say, he is a 
boy and she is a girl. 

The boy, like all boys, is good. He is 
one of those delightful children who haA^e 
learned in some pfenatal state of existence the 
consolation of the thumb. His thumb is meat 
and drink and philosophy to him. If he loses 
his bottle, if his rattle is taken away from him, 
if his mother fofgets him on the bed and he 
slips out and bumps his head on the floor, so 
that the plastef falls from the dining-room 
ceiling below, he does not open his mouth to 
cry at all. Nay, rather, with one somewhat 
Reproachful glance at the universe, with a con- 



2 THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD 

trolled gulp of inward distress, he elevates his 
thumb and, with the sweetest sigh of resigna- 
tion in the world, he slips it in an unobtrusive 
and well-bred manner into his little mouth. 
He then proceeds quietly and rhythmically to 
make the best of the bad situation. Yes, there 
is no doubt that red-headed George is a good 
boy. His mother is continually saying that 
he is no trouble at all. 

Nor is there any doubt at all that Jane is 
a thoroughly bad child. Although she, like 
her brother, is only eight months old, yet she 
has already shown all the earmarks of a child 
of the devil, just as her brother is the paragon 
of all the angelic virtues. In fact, Jane is a 
typical girl. 

It would be a sad task to repeat all Jane's 
failings. One must be charitable with our fu- 
ture legislators, and yet, when it comes to 
stealing all her brother's playthings out of his 
very grasp, and putting her fingers in his eyes 
to try to make him cry, and tearing the wall pa- 
per off the wall near her crib, — well, in spite 
of gallantry, one really has to notice such 
things. But perhaps the infernally bad nature 



THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD 3 

of her disposition is best seen in her vocal ex- 
ercises. I have often speculated, when a vis- 
itor in her home, as to what sound Jane could 
produce if she was having a leg sawed off slow- 
ly with a blunt saw. She makes such incredi- 
bly horrible and lamentable noises when her 
milk is not quite hot enough to suit her that 
it seems to me she has no margin of possibili- 
ties left for a more desperate occasion. The 
neighbors have a curious theory that a child 
never cries except when there is something 
wrong with it. Were I a neighbor with that 
theory, I would often believe that Jane was 
being tortured, when as a matter of fact Jane 
only wants to pull some one's hair, or demands 
her brother's rattle which he is enjoying for a 
few perilous moments, dodging his sister's in- 
furiated grabs. 

Now were the conventional views of mo- 
rality correct, we should all desire to be good 
children like George, and pray that we may 
not be bad children like Jane. 

But one cannot study the situation closely 
without seeing that there are very grave dis- 
advantages in being good. George has never 



4 THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD 

had a good time in his whole life. He is sim- 
ply dressed and kissed, and told he is a good 
boy, and slung down somewhere and forgotten 
till Jane's voice informs the household it must 
be time for both children to be fed. Jane, on 
the other hand, has all the good times. She 
pulls the hair of all the visitors, and is toted 
around and allowed to come down with the 
rest of the family at all meal times. She has all 
the new toys and gets the most to eat. Why? 
Because she is bad in such a bewitching way. 
Because her mother and father simply have 
to do what she wants them to do if they wish 
to live in her house at all. 

So one day, when his mother was not 
around, I took little George upon my knee, 
and, gently removing his thumb from his 
mouth, spoke to him as follows : — 

"My dear boy, goodness is a very estima- 
ble thing; in fact, a very valuable characteris- 
tic, indeed. Understand me now, I do not 
wish to minimize its value in the world at all. 
But, if the truth be told, lots of goodness is 
only tameness, and lots of badness is called 
bad only because it makes the people who 



THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD 5 

think themselves good feel uncomfortable. 
Allow me to say, my dear fellow, that you 
would be a far better man if you were not so 
good. In fact, Jane is a far better man than 
you are. Jane is training her parents to un- 
selfishness and hardihood. Jane's father be- 
fore he was married would have considered 
it impossible to do his day's work unless he 
had his nine hours' sleep every night. Since 
Jane came he is very thankful to get four. 
Jane makes all the people about her think of 
some one besides themselves, she is saving 
people from being selfish. Though she is bad, 
every one likes her. And into the bargain 
she is having a good time herself; she is de- 
veloping her lungs and her power of grasp. 
But you will excuse my saying that you are 
doing nothing for the people around you. 
For all that you do for them, they are as sel- 
fish and luxurious in their habits as ever. And 
you yourself are not getting the pleasure out 
of life you might. You will not be of as 
much use to the world. Your goodness is too 
negative. As the old hymn says : — 



6 THE DISADVANTAGES OF BEING GOOD 

" 'The whole world loves the quiet men 
Who sit all day as still as owls; 
But 'tis needless to mention 
It gives its attention 
To the man who gets up and howls.' 
"Or, to put the matter in another way, 
goodness to be any good must be interesting 
as well as good. 

**And the moral is," I hastened to add, as 
I saw George beginning to elevate his thumb 
again preparatory to closing the inter\^iew, 
"the moral is, either be bad like Jane, or be 
good in such an active and adventurous way 
as to be more interesting than she is." 



How to Control 
Your Future 



You must of course choose your great- 
grandparents very carefully if you want to be 
a really great man or woman. The way you 
smiled just now was first invented by your 
great-grand-aunt-on-your-mother's-side. Your 
delight in music was born in your great-grand- 
mother's mother's soul in the parlor in the old 
farm-house over the piano Sunday afternoons. 
And your dislike for cats is due to a fright her 
mother had in the barn when a kitten fell upon 
her in the dark. The desire to steal was 
strained out of your family six generations 
ago by a grand-uncle who refused to steal ap- 
ples in his youth, though greatly tempted to do 
so. Any one has only to read one of your 



8 HOW TO CONTROL YOUR FUTURE 

grandparents' old love letters to see why you 
are so romantic. In fact, you are not really 
''you" at all, you are merely the present phase 
of your family. Still, much depends upon 
you ; your family, like the moon, runs through 
its various phases ; you must see to it that in 
you it does not become fool. Heredity is a 
great force, and all you are is due to it. Some- 
where within you is the race-home where the 
family of whom you are the visible represent- 
ative live. There live the brute, the savage, 
the tribal chief, the crusader, the Mayflower 
passenger, the colonial dame, etc., to omit 
mention of many awkward poor relations. 
All of them at times try to pry open the door 
and stalk abroad into your life. Yes, there are 
even traces of Father Adam and Mother Eve 
in us all. 

It may in fact be said of us all as it was 
said of a Chinaman of note : — 

"Now the father, whose name was Hang U. 
High. 
Was the last of the race of the great I. Ligh, 
The father of Chinese history. 
He was very proud of his pedigree, 
And even declared that his lineage ran 
In a line direct to the very first man." 



HOW TO CONTROL YOUR FUTURE 9 

But heredity, while it is without doubt the 
greatest force in controlling your future, is 
like predestination in this, that we do not 
know anything about it. It works, but we do 
not know how it works. All geniuses can be 
explained by the forces of heredity as we 
wisely assert, only we do not know how to 
explain them. Few geniuses are the children 
of genius. LL.D., Ph.D., D.D., marries M.A., 
Lit.D., and their son is Fiddle D.D. Seeing 
that this is so, there are two main objections 
to starting the work of controlling your future 
by choosing your great-grandparents careful- 
ly: (1). You cannot do it, it is too late now, 
and (2) you would not know whom to choose 
if it were possible. 

Seeing that these things are so, perhaps 
it might just be as well to accept yourself as 
your race has made you and try even with such 
poor material to control your future. 

A visit to a clairvoyant is a very popular 
way of starting to control your future. She 
will astonish you by her information. Notic- 
ing the style of your clothes, she will tell you 
that you are a man or woman as the case may 



10 HOW TO CONTROL YOUR FUTURE 

be. With an eye on the ring on your finger, 
she will reveal certain other secrets of your 
life. She will then proceed to astonish you 
by her sketch of your future life. Every word 
she says will come true. She said you would 
have a great loss soon, and you had to have a 
tooth extracted the very next month. She 
said a dear relative would soon weep, and 
your mother's cousin lost a pet dog next week. 
She told you the business you were at would 
soon change; that the difficulty was coming; 
that, if you stood firm, you would get through 
it all right ; that there was one who loved you, 
and the way you looked when she said that, 
told her that she was safe in going further; 
and she prophesied everything just as it has 
come to pass with you — and with every one 
else since the beginning of the world. Won- 
derful ! Is it not? The fact is that there are 
so many coincidences in this world that any 
indefinite prophecy you like to make will come 
to pass. Try it yourself. Prophesy a few 
things about yourself at random : "I will meet 
an old friend soon, whom I have not seen for 
Years. I shall have a curious dream. I shall 



HOW TO CONTROL YOUR FUTURE 11 

have a great success." You will find that they 
will all come to pass sooner or later except 
that you will have forgotten, and you will 
have saved the clairvoyant's fee. This is a 
world where most people's lives are written on 
their selves to a Sherlock Holmes ; it is a 
world of coincidences w^here any indefinite 
prophecy is sure to come to pass ultimately ; it 
is a world where we remember the times the 
thing we are looking for happened and forget 
the times it did not happen, so it is a great 
world for clairvoyants. 

But in the end they never help you much 
in controlling your future. How can you do 
it? Is it on Pull and Chance that we must 
depend? No, 1 think it is upon Work and 
Trust. 

Efificiency in the circle within your own 
control, and confidence in the justice of the 
circle without your own control, possess these, 
and the future is yours. 

After the mysteries of heredity and clair- 
voyancy it seems a paltry ending. Work as 
hard and as wisely as you can, trust the uni- 
verse and the Father's heart at the centre of 



12 HOW TO CONTROL YOUR FUTURE 

the universe, and the world lies all open before 
you like the promised land. It may be years 
before you enter it, but it is yours all the time 
in certain prospect. Work never has failed 
in the end, trust never was disappointed in 
the end. The reason that so many of us have 
not controlled our futures better according to 
this simple law is that we would much rather 
sit in the sun on the piazza discussing heredity 
and clairvoyancy than work like Trojans at 
the appointed task which is to prepare us for 
the great future. 



The Folly of Getting There 



The great thing in life is not to get there, 
it is to be getting there. The fun, as a general 
rule, is over when you do get there, the fun is 
on the way. But we have all got the extra- 
ordinary idea that fixity is somehow a nobler 
thing than progress, that there is more fun in 
having done a thing than in doing it. "Isn't 
that a glorious view?" exclaims the automo- 
bilist to his travelling companion, and in the 
same breath she answers, *'Yes, it was" ; for 
they are both interested in getting to Twenty- 
third Street which is their destination. The 
"glorious views" through which they, are pass- 
ing are just "the preliminary services" to get- 
ting there. 'T want to finish this novel," we 
say, just as we say, too, "I want to say I've 
seen this picture," and we take a passing glance 

13 



14 THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE 

at it. Like the Irish peasants, we all want to 
be ''after doing a thing." 

A group of visitors were being shown 
through one of the rooms of the National Gal- 
lery in London by an expert who accompa- 
nied the party and described each picture for 
them. The business director of the party had 
been listening to the description in a con- 
scientious manner as he was looking up some 
railway time-tables which he held in his hand. 
When it was over, he wished to add his word 
to the expert's exposition. He said, ''There 
is one thing, ladies and gentlemen, which has 
not been mentioned, I think, which I would 
like to have you all notice especially. All the 
pictures in this room are originals, — not copies, 
but originals. Now it is a great thing to be 
able to say you have seen an original of these 
pictures." To which the expert added sotto 
voce, "Yes, and it is a greater thing to have 
seen them !" In his heart a passer-by added, 
"Yes, and it is a still greater thing to be seeing 
them !" 

The absolute folly of our prevailing mood 
of mind in this respect is especially noticeable 



THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE IS 

in our vacation tours. Our first end is to get 
packed. Then it is to get to the station in 
time for the train, and all the time in the 
train we worry as to whether it will get in, 
in time to catch the boat. On the boat we 
count up the run every day in the hopes of 
getting there a day earlier. We have a terri- 
ble scramble to get our baggage ofif first, in 
order that we may catch the first train for 
London. We do London, worrying much the 
last two days lest anything should occur to 
keep us from reaching Paris on time. We 
leave Paris with a sigh of relief that we have 
got there at any rate, but hoping that nothing 
will delay the train which is to bring us to 
Berlin. Somewhere between Paris and Ber- 
lin we begin to worry about our homeward 
trip, and the Mecca of our souls now is "to 
get through things" in time to get the boat 
at Liverpool which is to bring us home. Once 
we are home, we feel we shall have *'got 
there," and full felicity will be ours. 

We missed the fun of packing, we missed 
the fun of going to the station in a cab with 
our trunk strapped on behind. We missed the 



16 THE FOLLV of GSTTINC 'THERE 

fun of sitting in the train feeling we had no- 
thing to do for six weeks and a visit to Europe 
before us. We missed the fun of lying for 
seven days like a primeval savage on our back 
in the sun thinking of nothing while the in- 
numerable laughter of the sea waves stretched 
around us as far as eye could reach. We 
missed the fun of landing in England, of loaf- 
ing in London, of reverting to Anglicism, oi 
dreaming half a day in Westminster. We 
never let Paris have time to soak into us, and 
all we remember of Berlin is the intricacy of 
the time-tables of trains and boats to bring us 
back to Liverpool. We got there, — that is 
to say, we got home again where we started 
from, — and found too late that we had missed 
the fun en route. 

All this is due to a defect in the human 
mind, for which, if we like, we can blame Plato 
and Aristotle. It is the result of their static 
philosophy. Everything must be motionless 
before it is worthy of investigation : so they 
seemed to think as they reduced life to essenc- 
es and states. So we seem to think as we re- 
fuse to take our joy on the wing as it is alive, 



THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE 17 

and rush on to kill it and have it canned, thus 
killing the real life of joy which is in coming 
and going, nay, most of all, in becoming. So 
the parents pray for stage after stage of their 
children's life to be safely reached, worrying 
through each one about their passage to the 
next, till at last they do get there ; i. e., all the 
children are safely married and away from 
home, and the lonely birds in the empty nest 
begin to wonder if they could not have en- 
joyed their children more in each of the dif- 
ferent stages as they were going along. 

There are two useful principles in life 
which, if remembered, will do a great deal to 
correct this defect in our popular attitude 
towards life. 

The happiest thing in life is not to get 
something : it is to be doing something. 

Fight as we will against it, we all have 
implicitly at the back of our minds the assump- 
tion that the end of all endeavor is somehow 
to attain to the dignity of sitting still in the 
full possession of many things. *'Soul, thou 
hast much goods laid up for many years : take 
thine ease !" That idea in one form or ano- 



18 THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE 

ther is El Dorado of all our hopes. As a race 
we have not even been able so far to imagine 
a heaven that we would not all be deadly tired 
of in a week. It is because all the heavens 
we have been able to imagine are expressed 
in terms of these two ideals, possession and 
sitting still. We have our golden harp, we 
sit upon our throne. The reason why all our 
heavens are dull is a simple one. In the slang 
American phrase it is because there is "nothing 
doing." Receiving is possessing, but giving 
is doing something and is more blessed. Let 
us all make up our minds to it ; no combination 
of outward circumstances, no possessions of 
any kind, can give us happiness ; happiness is 
a state of doing and of becoming. No state 
of circumstances that you could devise would 
give it to you except by a corresponding 
change in yourself. Happiness is an inward 
activity of the self, for the second principle is 
this, The most important thing in life is not 
to have got anywhere, it is to be going some- 
where. 

If to get there is the great end of life, 
then the important thing about you is how 



THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE 19 

you die. We are all going either into the 
grave (it is a terribly dangerous world this, 
and it is a question whether any of us will get 
out of it alive), or we are going to shrink and 
shrivel up into extreme old age (and the end 
of that can be seen in the experience of Me- 
thuselah, who upon his nine hundredth birth- 
day said he was feeling very well if only his 
shoe strings would not flap so in his face). 
If the end is the thing, such is the end. But 
the end is not the thing, the thing is how we 
go along, how we behave at breakfast and in 
the street car on this day of the year of our 
grace 1911. In your home the end of all things 
is of comparatively little importance com- 
pared with the passing day. The question is 
not as to whether you will live to be a well- 
preserved old gentleman like Methuselah ; it 
is not as to whether you will get your soul 
safely saved in heaven ; it is as to whether you 
say your word of cheer and do your deed of 
kindliness in the light of this dull, common- 
place, every-day world. Breakfast is the test 
of all Christianity, at breakfast it shall be 
known. Christianity is the philosopher's 



20 THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE 

Stone which turns every moment it touches into 
gold. To be saved is to be in love with the 
moment. 

You remember Marzial's little tragedy 
concerning the man who thought the end of 
life was to get there? — 

"She was only a woman, famished for loving, 
Mad for devotion and such slight things; 
And he was a very great musician. 
And used to finger his fiddle strings. 
"Her heart's sweet gamut is cracking and 
breaking 
For a look, for a touch — for such slight 
things; 
But he's such a very great musician. 

Grimacing and fing'ring his fiddle strings." 

Each moment comes to us as neutral. 
To each of us is given a magic wand with 
which to touch it and transfigure it. Our 
touch will make it either an angel or a devil. 
Towards each one of us now are coming, in 
strong, level flight, countless thousands of 
these angelic possibilities. One touch from 
us, and they may become for all time beau- 
tiful spirits. But he who rushed through life 
in order to get to heaven, when he arrived 
there found it empty, swept, and garnished ; 
and, when he asked, ''Where are the angels?" 



THE FOLLY OF GETTING THERE 21 

the answer came : *'You have been passing 
them unnoticed with the swiftness of light- 
ning, sixty every minute for the last fifty years. 
The only angels in heaven are those you bring 
with you." Being tired and disappointed, he 
asked for his throne upon which to sit down, 
but he was informed that there are no seats in 
heaven because there is no weariness there. 
What we call struggle here, there is peace. 
What we call love here, there is rest. Heaven 
is a road, not a hall. 

"This common road, with hedges high 
Confined on either hand, 
Will surely enter by and by 
vSome large luxurious land. 

"The many wayfarers on foot 

Have toiled from stage to stage, 
And others roll along the route 
With easy equipage. 

"All seek methinks that palace hall 
Whereon my thoughts are set. 
Press onward! Hear the angels call I 
'Hasten! 'Tis farther yet!' 

"Dreamer! In vain thou hastenest; 
That golden throne resign; 
Take by the road thy joy, thy rest; 
The road, the road is thine." 



The Revision of the 
Ten Commandments 



I see by the papers that there is a move- 
ment afoot for the revision of the Ten Com- 
mandments. This comes as a great relief to 
me, as I have never felt quite easy about them 
in my own mind. It has always seemed to 
me that they are written from the wrong point 
of view. 

Now there are but two points of view 
from which the world may be regarded. You 
may look at the world from the inside of the 
automobile or you may look at the world from 
outside of the automobile, in as far as the dust 
will permit you to see any world at all. My 
objection to the Ten Commandments has al- 
ways been that they are written from the 

22 



THE REVISION OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS 23 

inside of the automobile, while all my life I 
have been outside in the dust and smell. Let 
us look at them for a few moments, that we 
may see if this analysis is not correct. 

The first commandment insists that I 
shall not dare to take as my God any god ex- 
cept the god of the man who is in power. The 
poor man must not worship a god of his own : 
he must worship the god which the upper 
classes think best for him. 

The second commandment declares that 
the poor and unlearned man must make no 
tangible representation of his god for an aid 
to his worship. The rich and educated do 
not need any such help to grasp their meta- 
physical deity, therefore the poor and concrete- 
minded man must not have it. 

The third commandment infers that, while 
the favored classes can laugh at the petty 
gods of the submerged tenth, it is blasphemy 
for the ignorant to scoiT at the god which the 
scholars consider best for them. 

The fourth commandment is the pro- 
nouncement of a class rich enough to have 
*'manservant and maidservant and cattle" as 



24 THE REVISION OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS 

to how other people shall keep the weekly 
holiday in such a way as not to annoy the 
leisured and cultured classes at their worship 
or their golf. 

The fifth commandment can be kept only 
by those successful enough to be able to save 
a little something to put by to care for their 
parents in old age. 

The sixth commandment against murder 
is always the safeguard of tyranny. 

The seventh commandment is the precept 
of a class moneyed enough to marry and sup- 
port a home whenever it will. 

The eighth commandment is the bulwark 
of the propertied classes and always has been 
against those upon whose shoulders they are 
standing. 

The ninth commandment is the denial of 
the right of the consumer to investigate the 
ways of the producer lest he say unjust things. 

The tenth commandment preaches the 
time-worn lesson which the rich charity visitor 
has ever preached to the poor family, — that 
they ought to be content with their lot, and 
not ask for any fairer division of the good 



THE REVISION OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS 25 

things of this life than God has vouchsafed 
to grant at the present time. 

I should like to make my suggestion as 
to a real revision of these Ten Commandments 
from the point of view of the man outside the 
automobile. 

1. Thou shalt not insist that other people 
shall worship thy god. 

2. Thou shalt not dictate how other peo- 
ple shall worship their god. 

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the 
gods of others in vain. 

4. Remember to keep one day in seven 
sacred to the health and happiness of others. 

5. So live that every one may have a 
chance to honor his parents and provide for 
them in old age. 

6. Thou shalt not make the toiler hate 
thee and thy class by living an easy, idle and 
heartless life. Thou shalt care for the health 
and safety of those who work for thee as if 
their health and life were thine own. 

7. Thou shalt pay thy workers enough 
so that they can marry and support a home 
of their own in comfort. Thou shalt not pay 



26 THE REVISION OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS 

thy women workers less than enough to sup- 
port an honest life. 

8. Thou shalt not tempt thy fellow-man 
to steal by treating him merely as a cog to be 
worked or left idle at pleasure in the dividend- 
producing machine. 

9. Thou shalt not manipulate thy capi- 
tal in such an inhuman manner that the toil- 
ers and consumers shall in the end come to 
believe every evil against thee. 

10. Thou shalt not display thy wealth 
in such a manner as to make others less weal- 
thy feel uncomfortable. Thou shalt not dress 
thy children so expensively as to make the 
hearts of all other children and of their parents 
to be sore within them. 

But as the very young curate said to the 
London congregation, "But, dearly beloved, 
we must not be too hard upon the twelve 
apostles." Perhaps the meaning in my re- 
vised form of the Ten Commandments is really 
in great part implicit in them in their original 
form. Perhaps it is only because most of the 
editions published of them have been for au- 
tomobile use only that they have sometimes 



THE REVISION OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS 27 

seemed to be a weapon to be used by the 
propertied and successful classes against the 
toilers of forge and furnace and those who 
are down and out. 

At any rate there is a better command- 
ment than any of them which at the same 
time includes all that is best in them all. 
These are but fences placed at the most dan- 
gerous points to save some of those who may 
have strayed from the Way of Life ; but up 
along the whole mountain side, in the Way 
itself, like a gleaming thread in the sunshine, 
there runs the Golden Rule, to follow which 
is perfect freedom. 



Why Ministers Play Golf 



The only really grave defect in Gutmann's 
monumental work, "The Sport of the Clergy," 
is the omission of an adequate treatment of 
the game of golf. It is monstrous that in a 
work where one whole volume is devoted to 
Surplices and fully ten pages to Theology, 
that Golf should be passed over with a paltry 
paragraph. For the benefit of any of our read- 
ers who may be outside the reach of Mr. 
Carnegie's generosity we quote this inade- 
quate paragraph. Gutmann, after speaking of 
the various outdoor sports favored by the 
clergy, such as street-walking, door-bell ring- 
ing, and en-graving, comes at last to golf 
which he defines as follows : — 

''Golf is a game indulged in by Presbyter- 
ian ministers. It is played with short poles 

28 



WHY MINISTERS PLAY GOLF 29 

similar to those formerly used to take church 
offerings. A man and a boy generally play 
together. The boy carries a bag with the 
various poles. The man selects seriatim the 
poles from the bag. The game, the interest 
of which it is said cannot be appreciated by an 
outsider, includes walking over certain fields 
called links* with the boy. The poles are 
frequently used to remove portions of the 
turf, so that the succeeding party can follow 
the tracks of the one going before" (pp. 164, 
165, vol. vi.). Now altogether, apart from the 
serious omission of all mention of the ball, 
which in the case of all but the merest begin- 
ners' play forms such an important feature of 
the game, this account is upon other grounds 
entirely misleading. For very few clergymen, 
and those only in the larger churches, can af- 
ford a caddy at all. As a matter of fact, most 
ministers carry their own bag of staves. 

Passing from Gutmann's bulky work we 
find this subject noticed next in an excellent 



*A term derived from the German, because, in 
good play, after any stroke, as much of these as 
possible should be left. 



30 WHY MINISTERS PLAY GOLF 

little brochure on Golf published by the Evan- 
gelistic Association. The theory advanced 
here as to why ministers play golf is, however, 
erroneous. The supreme interest of the game, 
according to this authority, centres upon the 
search after and recovery of the lost. Now 
it can only be stated that this is a mere out- 
sider's view of the game. To an onlooker 
the links often do seem to be covered with 
groups of individuals knee-deep in weeds or 
among bushes or poking their clubs, as the 
poet beautifully says, "by the banks of 
streams," all apparently in search of some- 
thing. The present writer himself once saw 
an outsider acutely observing a member of 
such a party who was on his hands and knees 
among some nettles looking down a hole in 
the ground. After some logical thought this 
friend asked the following question, ''Have 
you lost your ball?" This astounding suppo- 
sition was immediately corrected by the play- 
er, who informed the questioner politely of 
his mistaken inference, adding that the object 
of his search was the ten tribes of Israel. 

The cheerfulness with which this reply 



WHY MINISTERS PLAY GOLF 31 

was given probably misled the well-meaning 
writer in the above-mentioned publication of 
the Evangelistic Association. The fact is that 
non-players in general are apt to place too 
much emphasis both upon the movements of 
real estate and upon the side excursions which 
are a mere incident in golf and of very little 
real importance in the game itself. They are 
but the relaxations indulged in by players 
from the strain of continuous playing which is 
intense. It is necessary, before coming to the 
real solution of this subject, to dispense with 
yet one other incorrect theory. 

The Rationalistic Press in its Tracts for 
the Times No. 265, under the caption, **Why 
Ministers play Golf," advances the theory that 
the reason is simply this, that in golf every- 
thing depends upon a good lie. The Ration- 
alistic Press is avowedly inimical to the cloth, 
and we cannot help feeling that some of 
this bias has crept into their analysis of our 
problem ; for, as a matter of fact, the actual 
state of the case — we state for the benefit of 
the Rationalistic Press — is simply this, that 
in golf a good lie is better than a bad lie. 



32 WHY MINISTERS PLAY GOLF 

Coming-, then, to the really serious discussion 
of this great question, we may say, from an 
insider's point of view, that there are two 
main reasons why ministers play golf. 

(1) A great deal of mystery has always 
centred around the question, Who made the 
golf links? 

Beginners at the game are often worried 
over this problem. Only experience can bring 
at last home to the soul the true answer. As 
one goes on with the game, one finds every 
hole guarded with diabolic traps, every green 
gratuitously broken by humps and hollows, 
every long drive spoiled by hazards, real and 
suggested. Suddenly the real fact that every 
golfer knows, but seldom speaks about, dawns 
upon one : the devil made the golf links. The 
whole game is a metaphor. The white ball is 
the soul. It is the duty of the priest to guide 
the unsullied soul from stage to stage over a 
course filled with traps, bunkers, and hazards, 
by the evil one himself. He who has to lay 
the fewest strokes upon the soul he guides 
safely home wins the game. Golf, then, seem- 
ingly only a game, is really a ritual. It is es- 



WHY MINISTERS PLAY GOLF 33 

pecially popular with the low-church and pro- 
testingly protestant clergy who find in it the 
same expression of high ideals which the 
priests of other faiths embody in the perform- 
ance of elaborate rites and ceremonies. And 
golf has the advantage of being in the open 
air. 

(2) The second reason why ministers 
play golf is somewhat different. 

It is well knowm that the ministry is a 
very irritating occupation. Ministers must 
accept all sorts of abuse silently. They must 
with door-mat humility be all things to all 
women. The result is that, being but human, 
they accumulate a vast supply of unexpressed 
profanity. Some ministers work this off upon 
their wives. But the nobler sort work it off 
in the long profane silences of golf. It is not 
merely in the viciousness with which the ball 
(for the time being representing some irrita- 
ting parishioner) may be struck that relief 
comes. It is still more in the silence that 
falls like balm upon the players when an easy 
put has been missed. In ordinary life silence 
is unexpressive. In the game of golf such 



34 WHY MINISTERS PLAY GOLF 

silence is eloquent, almost eschatological, in- 
deed I myself have sometimes noticed a dis- 
tinct sulphurous odor upon the putting green 
during such a silence. Many a minister has 
worked off three weeks' store of parish worry 
in one such golphic silence. 

Little more can be said in the present 
state of our knowledge upon this profound 
subject. One can only conclude by referring 
to what is, after all, the most exhaustive study 
of the inner significance of the game : Prof. 
Niblick Green's great work, *'The Psychology 
of Golf" (Putt Lectures, St. Andrew's, 1903). 
In chapter five we find the following suggest- 
ive paragraph with which we conclude this 
study : — 

*'The worst hazard is a mental hazard. 
It is as hard to hit a golf-ball as to speak in 
public, and for the same reason. The follow- 
ing three rules will be a great help to begin- 
ners in both cases : — 

"Keep your eye on the ball ; 

''Keep your feet on the ground ; 

"Carry your stroke through." 



Some Inexpensive 
Household Luxuries 



The necessities of life have all risen in 
price, but the real luxuries are still inexpen- 
sive. Bread and meat are dear, but love and 
jokes are as cheap as sunshine and moonshine. 
Necessities are so costly that almost the only 
v^ay an honest man can live is by stealing. 
But in this respect one can have a perfectly 
good conscience about the real luxuries, for 
like the best kisses they must by their very 
nature be stolen. They are the fairy fruit 
which must be snatched at only in passing and 
enjoyed incidentally, as almost inadvertently. 

In the social life of the home we often 
come to the edge of a precipice or up against 
a stone wall. In a moment we know we shall 

33 



36 SOME INEXPENSIVE HOUSEHOLD LUXURIES 

be over the edge ; in a moment there will be 
harsh words and estrangement, with or with- 
out temper and tears. Or it may be we feel 
ourselves helpless in the face of an unspeak- 
able situation, desperately impotent. Now 
the real title of this article (as the knight ex- 
plained to Alice) is "Luxurious ways of meet- 
ing conversationally difficult domestic situa- 
tions." 

"It is a good thing," said the sage, "to 
know the truth and to be able to talk about the 
truth ; but it is a better thing to know the 
truth and be able to talk about palm trees." 

There should be a large picture of the ir- 
relevant palm trees in every home. When 
Martha and I get into a discussion now, we 
seldom run the syllogistic stage into its infinite 
series, as we used to do, but according to a 
tacit understanding, the victory is accorded to 
the one who is the first to notice "How cool 
the palm trees look tonight !" The palm trees 
stand for the impotence of logic to settle any- 
thing worth settling. After we have talked 
about them for a while, and about our neigh- 
bor's dog, we are conscious that there was 



SOME INEXPENSIVE HOUSEHOLD LUXURIES 37 

nothing to be discussed. The irrelevant set- 
tled it for US. 

So, too, when the junkman has offered you 
a dollar and you have said you will not take 
less than two for your old stove, do not let the 
junkman be the first to notice the weather 
and comment upon the prospect of early rain, 
but introduce your palm trees immediately. 
In nine cases out of ten you will find that the 
irrelevant will bring up his price. 

But the greatest value of palm trees is 
their humanizing influence. When you get 
desperately busy and worried and serious, 
when the market is bad and will keep on grow- 
ing worse if people do not attend to what you 
say, when things are all going to the dogs sim- 
ply because men will act so idiotic, though it 
is perfectly clear what they ought to do — then 
it is well to ease off your intense voice when 
you get home for a while and talk about palm 
trees. They afford great scope for discussion, 
and after you have dwelt upon them for a few 
moments from various points of view, you will 
find that either you or the other people will 
have got sense. 



38 SOME INEXPENSIVE HOUSEHOLD LUXURIES 

Blessed is the man who, going through 
the ways of this world, dusty with all its in- 
finitely little gibble-gabble and humbug, yet 
remains serene and happy because it all affords 
him such an opportunity to talk to his heart's 
content upon that greatest of all subjects, palm 
trees. The saturated solution does not crys- 
tallize till some irrelevant object is introduced 
into it ; it will crystallize beautifully around a 
straw. In a similar way, thought often crys- 
tallizes around a palm tree. 

Hamerton writes to a young friend, re- 
ferring to a family scene he had witnessed : 
"Your mother asked you to what part of 
America your friend B. had emigrated, and 
you answered, 'The Argentine Republic' A 
shade of displeasure crossed your mother's 
face because she did not know where the Ar- 
gentine Republic was. You imprudently ad- 
ded that it was in South America. 'Yes, yes, 
I know very well,' she answered ; 'there was a 
great battle there during the American War. 
It is well your friend was not there under 
Jefferson Davis.' " 

Hamerton goes on to say, "That was a 



SOME INEXPENSIVE HOUSEHOLD LUXURIES 39 

perfectly magnificent chance for you to hold 
your tongue." But who of us would have 
done it? Not one. We would all have snort- 
ed as the war horse for the fray and afifirmed, 
and explained, and at length fetched the atlas 
to prove to one indignant and blinded with 
tears that she had become confused between 
the Southern States and South America. 

Reader, I see you are hanging your head, 
so am I. Fellow-seekers after truth, lend me 
your ears that I may whisper into their 
furry depths : **In the life of the home there 
is a time to speak, and a time to keep silence." 

Some people have not brains enough to be 
silly themselves. But few people can resist 
the solvent influence of a piece of really ex- 
cellent fooling introduced at the right time. 
We all of us, of course, perceive the profound 
philosophy which underlies the remark of Mr. 
Weller Senior, that "circumwented" is a 
''more tenderer" word than "circumscribed," 
but we do not apply this principle with enough 
of our forefathers' inflexible moral courage to 
the life of the home. The irrelevant is some- 
times only irritating, silence-infuriating, but 



40 SOME INEXPENSIVE HOUSEHOLD LUXURIES 

there are few situations that will not yield to 
the subtle influence of the irrationally absurd. 

George Meredith begins his simple little 
ode, To the Comic Spirit, with the words, 
"Sword of Common Sense !" It is hard to 
tell whether the rest of the poem is an expla- 
nation or an exemplification of the comic spir- 
it, but this line is both. Fellow-mariners, in 
the wild adventure of domesticity, take this 
sword ; with it you will be able to cut many a 
Gordian knot. Humor takes brains, foolish- 
ness does not, and it is of foolishness I speak ; 
humor is too subtle a product for this work. 

The worst quarrel which Martha and I 
have ever had — which brought us indeed both 
to visit the public library at the same time 
surreptitiously to look up the conditions of the 
divorce laws — this worst quarrel was as to 
whether there had been two or three clergymen 
officiating in an Episcopal church we had at- 
tended that morning. I remember how just 
at its darkest hour that misunderstanding was 
cleared up by an excellent piece of foolish- 
ness which Martha sprung upon me. I should 
gladly tell you of it for the very thought 



SOME INEXPENSIVE HOUSEHOLD LUXURIES 41 

of it makes me feel wiser and better still. But 
the peculiarity of all foolishness is that, being 
SO brainless, it is impossible to retell it. 

But if all these fail ; if the spark of irrel- 
evance goes out into darkness again, if silence 
is barren, if foolishness falls flat, is there no 
last desperate resort? One thing only can I 
recommend. I know it seems an old-fashioned 
remedy, but it sometimes does work. I am 
inclined to think that a man talks more sense 
during his courtship than at any other time in 
his life. There are two philosophic lines which 
are too obscure for the ordinary mind to 
grasp, and yet which contain more sound so- 
ciological verity than any other two lines ever 
written upon the social question. They are 
worth your study. They are these : 
*'A little bit of love 
Makes a very happy home." 



Unorthodox Interpretations 



When I was a child, I had not only to learn 
the ten commandments, but also what were 
called Scripture proofs for each of them. 
These proofs consisted of morsels of Scripture 
wrested from their context, which supported 
in their fragmentary form the contention of 
each particular commandment. I remember 
satisfying my infant sense of the injustice of 
this proceeding by making out a set of com- 
mandments each of which was the direct con- 
tradictory of the orthodox edition, and finding 
for each of these new commandments a num- 
ber of Scripture proofs. For instance, I re- 
member these : — 

6. Thou shalt kill. 1 Kings xviii. 40; 1 
Samuel xv. 3. Psalm cxxxvii. 9. 

7. Thou shalt commit adultery. Gen. 



42 



UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS 43 

xxix. ; Judges v. 30. 

8. Thou shalt steal. Exodus xii. 36; Gen- 
esis xxvii. 24. 

I never dared show this revised list to any 
one, but derived much inward satisfaction 
from it. As I have grown older, I have been 
settled in the opinion that most theological 
arguments have been on a like uncomforta- 
bly reversible basis, and that most heretics 
have had more truth upon their side than it 
was safe for them to have without a corres- 
ponding sense of humor. When as a boy, I 
quoted to one of my near relatives the text, 
"He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh," 
as a justification of my behavior on Sabbath 
afternoon, he professed to be shocked beyond 
measure, and told me that my soul was in 
jeopardy, and "One, who even your irreligious 
nature must confess is the greatest authority 
in the world, has said, referring to the worth 
of one's soul, 'All that a man hath will he give 
for his life,' " whereat I shocked him still more 
by getting him to look up Job ii. 4 and see who 
it was he considered "the greatest authority." 
Samuel Butler gives this advice to the young: 



44 UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS 

"Do not be too much carried away by the Bi- 
ble. Remember it presents only one side of 
the case. All the books were written by God." 
There is something to be said for this posi- 
tion, as the negro preacher said, after quoting 
to his congregation some terrible verses about 
the torments of the damned, ^'Brethren, I am 
not responsible for the composure of this 
book." 

On the other hand, I sometimes still like 
to dream that, supposing the book was not all 
written by God, but by hard-headed and wise 
men and women, perhaps there is more com- 
mon sense and less mystery-only-to-be-inter- 
preted-by-one-who-has-our-diploma in it than 
is generally supposed. 

I heard a fool preach a sermon last sum- 
mer upon the needless expense of educating 
ministers. He said all that was needed to be- 
come a soul-searching preacher was a common- 
sense reading of the Bible and some expe- 
rience. "After all," he said, "the most effect- 
ive sermon in its results which we read of in the 
New Testament was preached by a rooster, and 
all he said was 'Cock-a-doodle-doo.' " With- 



UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS 45 

out going just as far as this rooster, yet there 
is a great deal to be said for consulting common 
sense rather than what generally passes as 
scholarship in the interpretation of the Bible. 
I was greatly struck with this truth one 
Sunday upon coming out of a church where a 
most "scholarly" sermon had been delivered 
upon the casting of the evil spirit out of the 
Gadarene demoniac and the subsequent disas- 
ter to the swine. The higher criticism had 
had its innings, and the congregation was dis- 
missed to think the results, if any, over by 
themselves. On the way out an old farmer 
said to me a word more illuminating as to the 
spirit of the whole passage than all the sermon 
had been. He said he "guessed the thoughts 
in the hearts of some fellers would make even 
a herd of pigs that shamed that they would 
drown themselves." Now that is what I mean 
by a genuine unorthodox interpretation of the 
Scriptures. So, too, was that of the farmer's 
wife who at the celebration of the thirtieth 
anniversary of her marriage told me that her 
favorite passage of Scripture was that telling 
about the marriage at Cana of Galilee, and, 



46 UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS 

Upon my asking her the feelings that led to 
this preference, said : Well, how the Lord did 
it at that marriage she could not propose to 
say, nor how he had done it at her own mar- 
riage. But that he done it, she knew, for, — 
and here she looked lovingly at her husband 
who was standing beside her, — for the Lord 
had turned the waters of life into wine for her 
that day. 

There is, of course, a good deal of mental 
fumbling about these common-sense unortho- 
dox interpretations of the Bible, but it is my 
belief that the sense in which the narratives 
are understood by the great majority of hum- 
ble, unsophisticated readers is quite satisfac- 
torily unorthodox. The liberal school are apt 
to set up what is almost a straw man, the per- 
son who holds every word and phrase in a lit- 
eral manner, and believe, because this form is 
the only form in which the faith of hosts of 
ordinary folk has been intellectualized, that 
therefore it is the practical method of their in- 
terpretation. Formally they believe many 
such things about the Bible because they have 
been so taught, but practically they interpret 



UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS 47 

the Bible in a way that does credit, I generally 
find, both to their head and their heart. This, 
of course, does not refer to Bible class interpre- 
tations, which are naturally dictated by the 
dogmas of the society which supports the 
Bible class, but it does refer to the interpreta- 
tions of humble lovers of the book as they 
read it for their own use, and as they speak 
of them only to close and confidential friends. 
"The baskets ! The baskets !" said one 
ihoughtful old lady, looking up from her Bible 
one afternoon. "Where in that desert place 
did the twelve baskets come from to fill with 
fragments? I think I know," she said after a 
pause, with a quiet smile, — "I think I know. 
I think every family in the crowd had done 
just what the disciples had done, and had 
brought a basket full of provisions for their 
day's outing. Each family was so selfish that 
it was hiding its lunch under togas and be- 
neath shawls, lest there would not be enough 
to go round if they began to divide it. Every 
one was afraid that, if he shared his lunch with 
his neighbor, there would not be enough left 
for himself. Later thev meant to retire when 



48 UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS 

unnoticed, and devour it in secret. But Jesus 
broke down that selfishness effectively by sud- 
denly calling openly for the little lunch which 
he and his disciples had with them. In spite 
of sly signs and hints and whispered protests 
on the part of these companions of his, it had 
to be produced. Then he began simply to dis- 
tribute it to the multitude, as if there had been 
more than enough for everybody. He did it 
as if it was the most natural thing in the world 
to give away what little he had. I can see the 
eyes of the crowd as they strained forward to 
see what the Master was doing now. Lo ! he 
was distributing in the most generous and 
open-handed way his own little store to the 
multitude. This could not be allowed to go 
on, the Master himself must not be allowed to 
go hungry ; and all over the crowd, at first 
shamefacedly, later with more and more free- 
dom, from men's pockets, from under women's 
shawls, from behind bushes and heaps of 
stones, the baskets began to appear, big and 
little, which had been hurriedly put together 
on the start from home. Now Jesus had giv- 
en away to those directly around him all his 



UNORTHODOX INTERPRI:tATIONS 49 

own little store, and now one after another was 
rising from various parts of the crowd and 
bringing up to the Master baskets and loaves 
and fishes and packets of food. They offered 
these to him for himself, but, instead of taking 
them himself, he took them also out of the 
hands of the donors and began to pass them 
around among the multitude. More and more 
food was discovered and passed around till at 
last these people who had at first been so self- 
ish and secretive found to their astonishment 
that, when they all became generous with 
their store, there had been among them all the 
time far more than enough to satisfy the hun- 
ger of every one present. Then the Master, 
with one of those little touches of care and 
reverence for all God's gifts which character- 
ize his life and teaching, commanded that the 
fragments of this first love-feast should be 
picked up and placed in the baskets which 
were now strewn empty around. That is 
what the Lord of Life can do." 

Now I am sure that this interpretation 
of the feeding of the five thousand will not 
appeal so generally to any of us as the ortho- 



50 UNORTHODOX INTERPRETATIONS 

dox miracle-interpretation, because the lesson 
of the latter way of looking at it is that we 
should expect miracles (which we are all lazy- 
enough to enjoy expecting) whereas the so- 
cial lessons of this old lady's unorthodox ex- 
planation are awkward, not to say inconven- 
ient. 



The Happiness of Being 
Grown Up 



There are so many things to be thankful 
for. It never struck me until I was buying 
my new pair of shoes for fifty cents more than 
I paid six months ago, how thankful I should 
be that I was not a centipede. 

In the same way it was when passing ''the 
house where I was born" that it suddenly 
flashed upon me how thankful I should be 
that I was grown up. I sat for years dangling 
feet that would not touch the floor and wishing 
I was grown up. I stood for years at the 
nursery window watching my father omni- 
potently leave the house and go down the 
street and turn the corner at last which led to 
the great, free world of fairyland. My gods 



Si 



52 THE HAPPINESS OF BEING GROWN UP 

for many a year were men of thirty and forty, 
and my ideals boys of seventeen and eighteen. 
Now I am a god myself, but somehow it does 
not seem as nice as I thought it was going to 
be. I can rise up at this present moment and 
go down the street beneath the admiring gaze 
of another nursery window and turn at last 
the street corner that leads to the big, free 
world, but there is no romantic thrill at that 
corner now; around it there are just more 
streets and more houses. I am at perfect lib- 
erty not to eat my oatmeal at breakfast, but 
instead to steal down the street to that tempt- 
ing store and buy candy ; but the sense of this 
freedom does not intoxicate as once it would 
have done. 

Yet, as I say, just as I was passing "the 
house where I was born," it all came back to 
me how thankful I should be that I was grown 
up. Suddenly I got over all this cant about 
wishing I was a child again, and about child- 
hood as being the happiest time in one's life. 
Suddenly I felt that at last I had grown to 
man's estate, that I had at last a chance to be 
'S ery proud and great, and tell the other girls 



THK HAPP1NE:SS of being grown up 53 

and boys not to meddle with my toys." 

It was glorious. I wanted to stop that 
anxious-looking man who was passing and tell 
Kim to cheer up, that I had just discovered 
that we had grown up, that there was no one 
to prevent us from skipping school that after- 
noon and going to the ball game. 

But a second look, a second thought con- 
vinced me that we had all lost it ; we have all 
lost the sense of the happiness of being grown 
up. We look at the past sentimentally, at the 
present discontentedly, at the future anxious- 

ly- 

Childhood? Who would be a child again? 
So would not I. Poetry is all very well, but 
it is the poet's imagination. What are the 
three greatest factors in the life of the child? 
Agonizing, inarticulate, misunderstood colic 
— everlasting, irritating, "Don't do thats" — 
burning envy and admiration of the freedom 
of grown-ups. The three agonies of child- 
hood you and I do not, of course, remember 
when we long in verse for infancy again, but 
ask any six-months-old child and he will not 
deny that my analysis is correct. 



54 THE HAPPINESS OF BEING GROWN UP 

Let US rejoice, therefore, fellow-grown- 
ups ! We are what we dreamed one day we 
might be. Misunderstood colic is of the past. 
We now say "Don't do that" to other little 
people. W^e are the spankers and no longer 
the spankees. 

In conclusion, if we dive into the depths 
of this profound subject we shall arrive at 
this valuable truth, that only people who keep 
their child-heart continue to appreciate right 
through life the happiness of being grown up. 
We have analyzed this forgotten dark side of 
childhood, but there is a glory in childhood 
which has been best expressed by Meredith 
in this phrase, "The rapture of the forward 
view." You only appreciate this side of hap- 
piness when you feel that your feet do not 
quite touch the floor yet, when you keep on 
looking forward to being more grown up than 
you are at present, when you still have your 
gods among living men and women. The rap- 
ture of looking forward to greater powers of 
self-expression, to greater freedom of person- 
ality, to greater maturity in the spiritual life, 
this is the joy of those of us who are incurable 



THE HAPPINESS OF BKING GROWN UP 55 

children. 

The greatest happiness of being grown up 
is the happiness of finding one's self still a 
child. 



The World, The Flesh 
and The Devil 



As soon as a baby soul is born a deadly 
plot is laid against its life. There are always 
three partners in this fell conspiracy : the 
world, the flesh and the devil. Tricked up in 
gorgeous disguises, in the hopes of being mis- 
taken for the three wise men of the first Christ- 
mas, they come to present their gifts at the 
baby's cradle. 

The World bears a bank-book, with a first 
deposit for the new-born babe ; the Flesh 
brings a silver spoon, while the Devil smiling- 
ly presents a pretty little looking-glass for the 
darling child. But, unlike the genuine Wise 
Men, they do not forthwith leave the baby, 
but remain with him till his last day, the 

56 



THE WORLD. THE FLESH AND THE DEVIL 57 

World waiting without at the door, the Flesh 
continually dancing attendance upon him with- 
in the house, while the Devil depreciates and 
insinuates himself, till, at last, he creeps right 
into the baby's eyes. 

In this way the fight begins between the 
principalities and powers and the soul of a 
child. For a while the Flesh has full sway, 
standing with finger at lip at the nursery door 
lest the baby's slumbers may be disturbed, 
toiling at midnight over bottles and brews 
that the baby's appetite may be tempted. The 
World stands at the door, handing in presents 
of gorgeous clothes that the baby may feel 
himself better than other babies, while the 
Devil contents himself with making his pres- 
ence within the child evident by vocal exer- 
cises at midnight, in the silence of men's sleep- 
time. 

A few years pass, and the World now 
stands at the door in the shape of the neigh- 
bor's boy, Johnnie, to tempt the little angel 
soul forgetful of the lofty lessons which he 
has learned at his mother's and over his fath- 
er's knee, to tempt him away to steal cherries 



58 THE WORLD, THE FLESH AND THE DEVIL 

or throw stones at the local cat. Within the 
home the Flesh slyly leaves the pantry door 
open at all odd moments, with visions of pie 
and doughnuts within, and his favorite consti- 
tutional is straight to the nearest candy store 
and back. The Devil lies low, knowing his 
time is coming, and merely suggests the kick- 
ing of furniture and a general program of de- 
structive hatefulness. 

In the next scene, only a few years later, 
the World, the Flesh and the Devil all have 
left the house, and stand with the group of 
boys telling stories in the dark corner of the 
street. The World says: ''Don't be queer! 
Be like other fellows !" The Flesh says, "This 
is life!" The Devil adds, with a wink, "Don't 
tell!" 

In a year or so the boy leaves home to 
seek his fortune in the wide, wide world. The 
Devil has gone before, so as to be able to wel- 
come him when he arrives as a stranger at the 
great city. The World goes with him to help 
him to rid himself of his apron-string ways and 
help him to be a man among men. The Flesh 
throws the candy and childishness away, and 



the; world, the flesh and the devil 59 

smiles and nods confidentially at the Devil 
when he comes to meet the party at the great 
city. 

So that evening the boy, in his lodgings, 
sits down to think. The World sits beside 
him, and says : "Your father and mother and 
that home crowd were too narrow and strict. 
Be a man of the world. Every one lies a little 
and steals a little, and does a few things on the 
sly. Don't live in a hole ; live in the world !" 
Then the boy, looking at the World, says to 
him, "If I go with you, where will you bring 
me?" 

The World lifts the curtain of the future, 
and the boy sees great office buildings and fine 
houses and automobiles and honor and the 
plaudits of the crowd. Then suddenly and 
nervously the World drops the curtain and 
looks round at the boy quickly, saying, "That 
is w^here I will bring you if you will come with 
me." And the boy is tempted sorely, for he 
wants to succeed, and he sits thinking deeply, 
for it is for just such things he has come to 
the great city — to get on. 

As he sits thinking, he thinks he hears his 



60 THE WORLD, THE FLESH AND THE DEVIL 

father's voice in his heart ; yes, he hears it 
clearly and distinctly, his father's voice, yet 
in his own heart, and it says, "Why did the 
World drop the curtain so nervously and so 
suddenly?" His father's voice says this over 
several times — ''Why was it dropped so sud- 
denly?" — till the boy, rising up quickly and 
bending forward before the World can inter- 
vene, pulls aside the curtain again and sees 
what comes after those things which the 
World has showed him — despair and anguish 
and shame, and a little pile of dust and ashes. 

Then the boy turns to the World and says, 
"No, I will not go with you whither you would 
lead me, but I will bring you where I am 
going." With that he lays hold of the World 
and seizes him, and the World falls down upon 
his knees before him, saying, "Master, I will 
go wheresoever thou dost lead me." 

Next the Flesh comes in and speaks to 
him in whispers of the glory of the body, of 
love, of the sweet influence of wine and soft 
joys of ease after the feast. A drowsy per- 
fume fills the room as he speaks, and soft mu- 
sic and sweet voices are heard, alluring beyond 



THE WORLD, THE FLESH AND THE DEVIL 61 

words. He feels himself beginning to slip 
down and drift away upon the sweetest voyage 
of the world. Suddenly, somewhere in mem- 
ory, a door is opened swiftly and closed again. 
But through it he hears in the moment the 
voice of his mother, singing. It is different 
music from that he had thought so sweet a 
moment before; somehow now all the other 
music seems jarred and jangled and out of 
tune. A stench as of unwashed bodies in- 
numerable comes up into his nostrils ; he draws 
himself up, and, seizing Flesh by the throat, 
he points out to him the direction in which 
the stream is flowing, saying, "See whither 
thou wast bringing me !" And they both look 
down and see that the river drains immediately 
into a stagnant and putrid marsh of loathsome 
aspect. 

"No," he says to Flesh, "I will not go 
whither thou wouldest have brought me, but 
thou must help me along the road whither I 
am going." Then Flesh bows his head before 
him, and he brands Flesh upon the forehead 
with the mark of life. Hardly has he done so 
when the Devil appears in the room, saying, 



62 THE WORLD, THE FLESH AND THE DEVIL 

with a sneer: "Whither art thou going? Dost 
thou know thyself whither thou art going? 
The end of the World is dust and ashes, the 
end of the flesh is disease and death ; thou art 
going there, anyway; why not go with good 
companions along, instead of in lonely toil and 
thankless duty?" 

Then the young man sinks down upon 
his chair dejected, and the tears come into his 
eyes as he thinks: "How do I know anyway? 
Whither am I going? I know not! Alas, I 
know not !" The Devil smiles, and utters 
again words of doubt and adds counsels of 
imperfection. At last he says : "No one 
knows ! Why give up the real for a dream ? 
Come with me ; you will then, at least, have 
today, the glorious today!" 

But the World and the Flesh have seen 
the young man's perilous state as he is tempt- 
ed of the Devil, and being now faithful servants 
of the young man they have gone out in search 
of help for him. Just at the critical moment, 
when he is about to despair and yield to the 
evil one, they return, and the World brings 
with him a noble friend or two, who rally 



the: world, the flesh and the devil 63 

round the lonely young man, and encourage 
him and give him strength of soul in his strug- 
.gle, while the Flesh brings several angels — • 
Rest, Refreshment, Vital Force and others — • 
who minister unto him. 

So, at last, refreshed in body and cheered 
by companionship, he looks up to have his 
last fight out with the Devil, but finds the 
Devil has disappeared and is nowhere to be 
seen. Then the young man goes out arm in 
arm with the World and the Body, they sup- 
porting and helping him, and he leading them 
on to undreamed heights of happiness and 
glory. 



Two Kinds of Christmas 



A Pagan Christmas 

Some people say that Christmas is just a 
pagan festival, with a Christian name added 
to it. They say it is the historic development 
of the heathen orgies of the Saturnalia, and 
that it has been kept up in Christendom all 
through the years with the added name of 
Christ tacked on to it. 

Now if it gives any people any satisfaction 
so to believe, Scrooge-like, it does us very little 
harm. Yet it is true that in America today 
there are the two types of people, those who 
keep Christmas in a pagan manner and those 
who keep it in a Christian manner. Some 
people celebrate the Saturnalia. Some peo- 
ple celebrate the birth of Jesus. 

The following are the directions for keep- 
ing it as a pagan festival : About a week before 

64 



TWO KINDS OF CHRISTMAS 65 

Christmas think of the people who gave you 
presents last year and who will probably ex- 
pect something from you this year. Then de- 
clare in their presence a few times that you 
feel so poor this year that you do not see how 
you can give any presents at all. 

As soon as the department stores are 
crowded to overflowing, go down to the city 
and join the rush. Discover that everybody 
is so selfish in a crowd, and that you "never 
saw such rude people, the way they push and 
crowd and try to get served first." Go in the 
evening if you possibly can and tell the sales- 
girl what you think of her for her delay in 
getting you the change of your dollar bill after 
your ninety-eight cent purchase. 

Choose the things that are cheapest. You 
cannot be expected to know how long the 
salesgirl has already been upon her feet that 
week, nor how late the messenger boys have 
to work delivering parcels at night, nor how 
much the people could have been paid for 
making the goods you buy so cheaply. Be- 
sides they are presents, and it does not matter 
so much how^ they wear ; it is not as if they 



66 TWO KINDS OF CHRISTMAS 

were for yourself. 

Work hard in this way for three or four 
days, making sure to buy for each person 
something at least as good as that person gave 
you last year. When you get absolutely sick 
and tired of this rush, stay at home a morning 
and take out the store of presents you got 
last Christmas which were of no use to you and 
which you have kept to give away again this 
Christmas. It is well to be sure that you do 
not send the same things back to people who 
sent them to you. 

At the last moment you will remember 
somebody who' will be likely to expect some- 
thing from you and whom you had almost for- 
gtten. Rush back again to town. Remember 
always to buy the same things that every one 
else is buying, the same "Christmas books" 
like this one, that no one was ever discovered 
reading, the same little useful bags that will 
serve as a kind of chain-Christmas-present, 
exchanging owners annually at Christmas for 
many years, the same useless nothings that the 
recipients add to their store of other nothings 
either to be packed away or to be daily dusted. 



TWO KINDS OF CHRISTMAS 67 

So let the pagan festival be ushered in 
with one-half of the country standing desper- 
ately weary, ready to drop, working, selling, 
being rushed and scolded, delivering parcels, 
and the other half angry and dissatisfied. 

On Christmas morning send off any stray 
last presents you may have, to those who have 
sent to you and from whom you did not expect- 
anything. They will think that you sent them 
before you got theirs and that the delay was 
due to the Christmas rush. Then unparcel 
all your own presents, exclaim over them, 
pack them away, sweep up the paper and ex- 
celsior and have the first piece of real enjoy- 
ment you have had for weeks over a good, 
substantial Christmas dinner. 

A Christian Christmas 

Take a page in your note-book and write 
above it this sentence, "Love can make a little 
gift excel." All year long be noting down in 
it suggestions of things the people you love 
would like : the toy train for the little son of 
the woman who washed for you at your sum- 
mer home ; the new graphophone record for 



68 TWO KINDS OF CHRISTMAS 

the neighbor's boy who is out at the mining 
camp for the first Christmas. 

Mem. "Martha said today she would 
rather have a Persian kitty than anything else 
in the world !" 

Mem. "George was saying this June that 
he had always been wanting a complete set 
of Hawthorne, but that somehow he had never 
gotten round to get it." 

Mem. July 8. "Mrs. Francis said, *I think 
that picture of Jesus and the Fishermen is the 
loveliest of all.' " 

Mem. Aug. 10. "Jane said that the rocker 
in Mrs. J's parlor was the only chair she ever 
sat in that exactly suited her," etc., etc. 

All year long be adding to your ideas, be 
planning for other people's surprises. Then 
when Christmas comes you will not need to 
buy a single conventional, trade-Christmas- 
present. They will all be personal tokens of 
thought. They will all have been bought long 
before the rush begins. You will have bought 
some things in small local stores for the good 
of trade, you will have asked for the Consum- 
er's League Label for the good of the work- 



TWO KINDS OF CHRISTMAS 69 

people, you will have shopped in November for 
the good of the salespeople. Before the first 
week in December they will be all ready ex- 
cept those upon which you are working your- 
self. Then you have a great time between 
that and Christmas planning all kinds of jokes 
and surprises. 

A millionaire may have dwarf gooseberry 
trees supplied by contract at ten dollars apiece 
from England at every plate on his Christmas 
table, but the joke is not half so good as — well, 
what Harry found in his Christmas pie last 
Christmas, which hit his case so well, and 
showed him some one else remembered his lit- 
tle success, and which has added a permanent 
new word to the private vocabulary of the 
family ever since. 

At this time, too, you begin writing letters. 
One to the author of the book you have so 
much enjoyed this fall, asking him not to feel 
it necessary to reply, but telling him all the 
good it did you ; one to the invalid who thinks 
herself of no use in the world, telling her how 
much she means to you ; one perhaps to your 
doctor or minister or your telephone girl, in 



70 TWO KINDS OF CHRISTMAS 

return for kindness, thought, courtesy, inspir- 
ation during the year. 

On Christmas morning you have time to 
have a Christmas party for the birds. You 
are dumbfounded at the number of people 
who have remembered you. You begin that 
very evening to write and tell them so. And 
your Christmas dinner is the least of all the 
joys of your happiest Christmas. 

It is not a matter of cost, it is a matter 
of love and thought and planning. Too late 
for this Christmas, is it? Ah, but just in time 
for next. 



Our Hereditary Scare 



One of the first stories we tell our children 
from the Bible is the account of how a severe 
shower of rain was fatal to a great company 
of people. We tell them that only a very few 
people of that district, with some zoological 
specimens, escaped with their lives in an ark 
from the rain. This story has been told to 
children for generations in Sunday schools 
and in the homes upon Sunday afternoons. 
The result is that in the minds of practically 
all Christian people there is a hereditary scari. 
Religion and the danger of rain have become 
so subtly connected in their minds that strong 
men have been known to refuse to go to church 
upon a wet Sunday. 

Rain under other circumstances has prac- 
tically no terrors for the modern man or 

71 



12 OUR HEREDITARY SCARE 

woman. But once you couple rain with the 
idea of Sunday or church or religion, and that 
subtle psychological connection takes place 
in their minds. They hardly know why they 
are scared, but they are scared. It is the un- 
conscious memory of their early Bible stories 
which is at work. 

Now we can hardly afford to give up 
Noah. This ought to be made plain at the 
very start. Yet matters are critical. Cases 
are common where the appearance of a cloud 
upon Sunday morning has induced a family 
seizure and emptied an entire pew. My sug- 
gestion is that a petition signed by represent- 
atives of all the churches be sent to the Pres- 
ident calling for a federal commission of 
scientists to analyze specimens of ''religious 
rain" (i. e., rain which falls at or before church 
services). This analysis will, in all probabil- 
ity, result in a report that rain upon Sundays 
and church service nights is of precisely the 
same chemical constitution as upon theater 
and concert nights. This report will help to 
dispel this popular misconception. 

We ought also to insert in our Sunday 



OUR HEREDITARY SCARE 73 

school hymn-books some hymns upon Sun- 
day rain which would be taught concurrently 
with the flood story and so help also to allay 
the unconscious dread caused by this tale. 
We cannot afford to give up Noah, as we 
have said. The loss of his ark would be a 
calamity to toymakers and the loss of his 
terrible example would be irreparable to the 
W. C. T. U. But such a hymn as this sung 
upon the same Sunday upon which the flood 
story is told would neutralize any harmful ef- 
fect as well as inculcate some of the princi- 
ples of true ''science" : 

Sunday rain is good for me, 

Makes me grow, you bet, 
If I keep from out my mind 

The idea of wet. 

The juxtaposition of this song with the 
first knowledge of the flood story will, I be- 
lieve, entirely destroy the vicious psychologi- 
cal connection between religion and rain 
which we have noted above. 

If these proposals meet with approval and 
are followed, wet Sundays will soon be red 
letter days in all our churches, and the point 
will be taken from the old gibe that the Bap- 



74 OUR HEREDITARY SCARE 

tists are the only Christian church which have 
not been afraid of water. 



Lapses from the Prosaic 



SUNDAY WEATHER 

Dinna gang to kirk 
When it rains, 

Ye micht catch 
Rheumatic pains! 

Bide t'hame 

When it*s cauld, 
Lest ye dee 

When ye're auld! 

The kirk's nae place 
When it's hot, 

The folks micht think 
Ye cared a lot! 

When it's fine 
Leave the Lord, 

Gang a-ridin' 
In yer Ford! 

75 



76 LAPSES FROM THE PROSAIC 

Ye like kirk fine 
Believe in God, 

But canna gae, 

The weather's odd! 

Ye're no to blame, 
It's in ither hands, 

Ye bet the Lord 
Understands ! 



A SCOTCH BLESSING 

"If after kirk you bide a wee, 
There's some wad like to speak to ye. 
If after kirk you rise and flee, 
We'll all seem cold and stiff to ye. 
That one that's in the seat wi' ye 
Is stranger here than you, maybe ; 
All here hae got their fears and cares ; 
Add you your soul unto our prayers; 
Be you our angel unawares." 



LAPSES FROM THE PROSAIC 11 

THE REAL HERO 

Oh it's great to be a hero, to lift your hat and 
bow, 

To write your reminiscences and tell the peo- 
ple how ! 

But it's hard to take the off-side on the ques- 
tions of your day, 

If you want to be a hero — there is no other 
way. 

Oh it's great to be a hero and to hear the 
people shout, 

And to know your statue'U stand in the mar- 
ket-place without! 

But to raise eternal marble from the world's 
despised clay 

Takes the toil of the creator, means the cross 
upon the way. 

Oh it's great to be a hero, in some other far- 
off year, 

When you know how things have come out 
and can hear the people cheer! 

But how blank the dearest faces, how the wise 
ones looked away 

When trembling lips first stammered what is 
common truth today. 



78 LAPSES FROM THE PROSAIC 

LOVE'S SECRET 

A simple word of sooth is this ; 
Love liveth still in giving bliss. 
Who for himself bliss doth demand 
He killeth love right out of hand. 
Love loveth joy in other eyes ; 
Joy can be found no otherwise. 



